06 May 2014 08:03

New Super-Duper-Extra-Premium Vodka to hit the Market

Expensiv, a new super-duper-premium vodka, is set to hit the South African market next month. It is the only vodka in the super-duper-premium category, and it has already generated a lot of excitement among the country's social elite.

"Expensiv is undeniably the finest vodka you will ever put to your lips," says brand manager Roger Donaldson, "and the bottle is very pretty too."

Only the best ingredients go into making this incredible spirit. The distillery, situated in the Romanian village of Patrahaitesti high in the Carpathian Mountains, is an oasis of cutting-edge technology in a sea of quaint rural customs. There, instead of using grains or wheat, the juice from top

Special Romanian Snow

quality Romanian apples is fermented and filtered 12 times through copper stills before snow from the Făgăraş Mountains is added to bring the ABV to the required 46.5%.

"A lot of thought and strategy went into choosing where to build the Expensiv distillery," says Harrison Morris, CEO of New Horizon Brands. "We decided that when it comes to vodka, Russia and Poland have been done to death, so they were quickly ruled out. France is already making Grey Goose so that was a no-go, so we looked around for another place with mountains. Romania, with its abundance of high peaks and cheap labour, was the logical choice."

"The production process of Expensiv Vodka is fascinating," says Roger. "There are many apple flavoured vodkas out there but Expensiv is actually derived from fermented apples. We certainly weren't going to go with the usual grains or wheat, and Ciroc was already using grapes, so after an exhaustive process of testing all the locally available starch or sugar-rich plant matter we could find, we settled on apples."

Once the liquid is distilled and special Romanian snow is added to achieve the desired ABV, super-duper-premium Expensiv Vodka is packaged in hand-crafted ultra-impressive bottles.

"We have a team of glass makers at the distillery that produce all our bottles," continues Roger. "Then the logo is lettered by hand directly onto each bottle by local orphans, under strict supervision of course."

Just before they are sealed and shipped to market, the final special ingredient is added: the 98 year old Mayor of the village of Patrahaitesti breathes into every bottle.

Mayor Antonescu

"There are many aspects to Expensiv Vodka that qualifies it for the super-duper-premium category and justifies its exorbitant price – the fermented apples, the magic Romanian snow, the 46.5% ABV and the hand-crafted packaging – but Mayor Antonescu's contribution is surely the most wonderful," says Harrison. "As the old man places his mouth over the top of each bottle and releases a deep lungful of air, you can actually see the vodka develop a heritage and history that only a near-hundred year old can imbue. Plus he's a chain smoker, so his breath adds a nice spicy finish."

"It has been said that if you put your ear to a bottle of Expesiv immediately after opening it, you can hear Mr Antonescu whisper the secrets of longevity," says Roger. "Of course you won't understand what he's saying unless you speak Romanian."

Mayor Antonescu's asthma and advanced age means that only 5,000 bottles can be produced per year, and this only adds to the allure of Expensiv as the world's socialites clamour for a taste.

"We are very proud that our product qualifies as super-duper-premium, even though it's a term we've just made up," says marketing director of Worldwide Brands, Angelique Fernandez. "When people ask me why Expensiv is the best vodka in the world, I tell them it's because I said so. For that reason, we've taken the stance of not settling on a retail price, but rather instructing retailers to sell Expensiv at 50% higher than its nearest competitor. People who drink Expensiv Vodka will never be satisfied with super premium vodka again."

Rich people about to drink Expensiv Vodka

 

 

This article is satire and not meant to be taken literally.

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